unspoken.

i’m just trying to fall asleep without your face in my mind.

i am just trying to live my life without imagining living our lives together

because nights like these make it a little more difficult

to remember the fights and the reasons nights like these are so rare.

sad, but true.

on my mother’s birthday, my priority was you.

and staring at your sleepy eyes as i say goodbye

has had me smitten for the remainder of the night.

up at 5am reciting lines in my head.

can’t believe what you sacrificed to be down in time for our little holiday.

just because it was important to me.

things like that make it just that much harder

to call you an asshole.

and that much easier to reenact scenes and scenarios from the past.

full of things i want to tell you

now that i can’t sleep.

things like

“i’m sorry your barbeque sandwich had too much coleslaw.”

“you can always eat off of my plate.”

“i would’ve went to red robin.”

“who was the second phonecall?”

and

“thank you for reading my blog…”

all these things that i can’t form my mouth to say, admit, or ask.

maybe because i’m too stubborn.

maybe because i’m not ready.

but mostly because when it comes down to it…

i can’t help but be your magnet,

because every night before i go to sleep,

your name is on my tongue

and your face is in my mind.

and tonight is not different.

better luck next time.

theFOURTEEEEEENTH.

i waited all day for HIM to arrive. woke up. went back to sleep. woke up. showered. got dressed. went back to sleep. woke up again…and he was here. and immediately we started to make plans. granted, he had been in the city for thirty minutes max and i have only been here for two days…but today was the fourteeeeeeenth.

which also happens to be my mommy’s [and P.Y.T.'s] birthday(s).

so when i told my mommy that i was going out to dinner with HIM, she spazzed as usual.

“you just got home. dang.”

“can you breathe without him. geez.”

“he just got here. can you get out his ass…”

i tune her out as i do my hair. grab the keys. and be on my way.

on the way over there, i replayed the latest argument that lasted until 5am yesterday and how i told myself over and over that he and i would be over…AS i was on the way over to the other side of town to meet him for the night.

because it was the fourteeeeenth.

and the minute i sat in his passenger seat and looked over…i knew that none of that last argument mattered. because after southwestern eggrolls and brownie a la mode…no one can really stay mad.

but most importantly, we got a chance to do something that we had not done in a while.

talked.

face-to-face.

i took full advantage of his unbroken concentration on my words while i could. lol. and tried to tell him everything i was feeling while i had the nice, caring, understanding gentlemen that i met in the beginning…

before the NEW him came out again.

and i told him everything i could tell him without telling him that i am contemplating moving on.

forever.

because i can’t form those words correctly for some reason…

happy fourteeeeeeenth PT.

CUFFING SEASON is REALLL.

random.

i’m chilling on twitter today and i see a tweet from mr.313 who rarely tweets. i joke and “@” him like, “glad to see you got up on twitter.”…he responds like, “you’re fake.”

umm. what?

then he DMs me saying, “mannn im tryna wife you…and you dont want me tooo…”

and i had to literally LAUGH OUT LOUD.

mr.313 is definitely HIS friend. as well as a prominent member of an organization that i just genuinely don’t mesh with.

but besides that, he is just doing wayyy too much wayyy too early. i’ve chilled with him ONCE. seen him on campus TWICE. nothing more. nothing less. and this is the THIRD time he has mentioned “wifing me”

and i am definitely not trying to go there with him.

that is NOT okay. messed up my entire twitter ambience. lol.

THENNN…

i’m sitting at dinner with HIM, laughing and joking. he tells me that he felt my phone vibrate under the table.

it’s a text.

and it reads, “where are yu. i miss you.”

and i had to laugh it off, because it was so out of the norm. it was from songbird, who i have known for all of two weeks. granted we have gotten pretty cool, but this is not the first of a string of texts from him.

now…songbird is a great guy. fine as hell. funny. strong. creative. body like…oh man. personality is hilarious. sarcastic and rude, just like i like them. and he SINGS :]. he is signed to jamie foxx’s label and everything.

and he is talking to exactly four of my close friends…and does not care that i know. lol.

so it blows me that he has the audacity to “miss” me. i don’t know if it was the fact that i was at dinner celebrating with someone i ACTUALLY care about or the fact that he his texting me on my christmas break when i am at home away from HU…

either way, i was bothered.

negroes these days are getting too bold. what is going on?

then i remember what month it is. lol.

it’s wintertime.

and CUFFING SEASON IS SOOOOOOOOOOO REAL.

i have proof. lol.

a day in the life.

what a day. i went from waking up to phonecalls from HIS frantic family worried because he wasn’t answering his phone to wallposts from brownsugar who pissed me off immensely the night before to going back to sleep until 5pm…

to sitting up at 3am blogging because my mind won’t go to sleep.

but there are some main things on my mind at the moment.

I WANT HIM ALL TO MYSELF. i realized this today. i am sooo jealous of everything that consumes brownsugar’s time other than me. and it’s weird, because i spend entire phone conversations convincing him that he always comes first to me because he is so jealous of the men in my life. so today we had the same argument we always have. the “you know he’s not good for you, Ash” argument. with the “you hear everybody trying to tell you, but you are in denial” quote. and don’t forget the “i am trying to stop you from getting hurt, but some people have to learn the hard way”. to say the least, he doesn’t want me to have anything to do with HIM and i can’t even pretend that his arguments aren’t legit. problem is—i want them both.

I KNOW HE SAW MY IM. i IM’ed theque today on facebook. haven’t heard from him in a while. wanted to say hello, tell him a funny story about the que’s at SC STATE, and ask him a question…but he never responded. everybody knows it’s different when somebody IMs you as you are logging off. chances are, you will never get that message. but he stayed online. for a while. and my message just sat there. unanswered. now don’t fault me for falling for a greek. ESPECIALLY a neo. there’s a first [and LAST] for everything. but i am the type of person who needs closure. and he is just wayyy too wide open for me.

I DO BELIEVE MY HEART STOPPED. in my boredom earlier today, i wanted to catch up on some of my friends’ blogs and whatnot, only to be disappointed. NOBODY IS BLOGGING. UGH. so i put out a PSA on twitter to tell them how pissed i was. lol. they got their act together quickly. but maybe i should be careful what i wish for because my twin just completely made my world crumble. she blogged about “what determines whether you like somebody?”. good question. who knows? and it was all great until the end.

but to my fave:
you love her,not just like her.you might not like some of the things she does.and i know you guys got alot to work on.but that’s life and we all make mistakes.figure out what makes you happy,and if it’s her..keep her before you end up losing her.

that was a little too much for me. see—i had gotten over thinking about things like that for a while now. but now i am wondering all over again. i hope HE figures it out sooner than later, because my heart is being pulled in a million different directions at the moment…and those days where i gave him first dibs are slowly slipping away.

AND THEN LINDS DECIDES TO BLOG AS WELL. as i recover from my mental breakdown…lol…another friend of mine decides to blog. in this blog she acknowledges all the important women in her life, i.e. her mother, sister, bestfriend, LS’s, etc. so, i am engrossed in the post, thinking i should do one to shout out all the people i care about…then at the end–i almost fell out of my chair.

Last, but not least:

This next girl might be surprised, but I couldn’t blog about women without mentioning Ashley Goosie Johnson-Alford. I have to use the government because it’s as unique as she is. I have only met one Goosie in my life, and I am so glad I did. I have never met someone as unique, as crazy, as real as this girl. We’ve had our falling outs, and we seem to find our way back to each other. She inspires me to be the player, and not the played. And to write. And to LIVE. She is one person who, without even realizing it, voices a lot of the thoughts I have but don’t say. Every time we’re together…good times are sure to ensue.

i wanted to cry. i read it three times back to back because it made me feel good inside. i felt like a better person than most believe me to be. this gave me hope that what i go through and what i am willing to share and talk about helps others more than it helps me. lowkey—this made my entire day.

or maybe not my ENTIRE day, because then it got interesting.

TODAY IS THE FOURTEENTH. so we had to celebrate. this day last year, i was getting off a plane in charlotte, nc. i went home to see my mother for all of 2 hours before he was parked outside of my house. we got something to eat. we laughed and joked…and that night was the beginning of the love we fell in love with. i spent the night. his parents made us breakfast. i wanted to be with him forever.

he drove down from dc this morning and he made it just in time for dinner at chili’s. and a talk that i have been needing to have for weeks now. and all the anticipation i built up for this day was worth it…as i sit up at 3:30am running words and thoughts and jokes and situations through my mind.

life.

correction* MY life is a mess and a half.

tomorrow should be interesting.

just a friend.

we are not ordinary people. OBVIOUSLY. because our idea of “love” is a little different. or maybe it’s just HIS idea that is a little off. i don’t want to be his secret anymore. i don’t want to be every other phonecall and every laugh&smile BEHIND CLOSED DOORS. i want to be visible. i want to be able to walk with him in public and speak to him during the daytime and spend time with him without the hassle of figuring out what to call it, chilling or talking.

i just want to be his friend. not his EX. not his NEXT. not his PAST. not his FUTURE. just his friend.

his regular friend who leaves funny insiders on his facebook wall and tweets him things only he would laugh at without the entire world thinking that we are back together.

i want to be able to visit him without everybody thinking we are making millions of babies.

can we go back to when naps and movies were innocent…? back to when we didn’t have to have a discussion after every activity about “where do we go from here…”

i just want plain, simple F R I E N D S H I P , because CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF…me being single is sooo REAL.

i actually have recruited the team. i go on dates. i cake on the phone…and in one case—i have actually caught feelings.

and at first, i thought they were “just getting out of a relationship, looking for a rebound” type of feelings. but i was wrong.

they are actually legit.

so when i hear about the girls he wastes his time on, yes i might be a little jealous…but at the end of the day, i enjoy the fact that he and i can both do our own things now.

and all i want to do is get to a point where i can tell him all about my roster, and he can tell me all about the girls he might begin to like.

i want to be like that.

nothing awkward. nothing off limits. no feelings lingering.

but i feel like i’m dreaming…

because he and i aren’t normal.

so a normal friendship would be some type of stretch…

progress.

there is a handle of absolut sitting in front of me. it looks to be 4/5 full.

there is a gallon of cranberry juice adjacent to it, and some chex mix.

and some cupcakes.

last month, this could have been the best night in my life.

but t o n i g h t . . .

i got a handful of cupcakes, a cup of white grape juice, and kicked my feet up on the couch

because i am growing up.

that bottle of absolut is screaming at me,

but this tv and this vanilla icing is tuning it out,

because life has just been too good without these bottles intruding on my life.

meet ashleygoose…new, improved, and more often—sober. lol.

[as i stare at this empty cup...and that bottle on the counter]

g r e e k rhymes with t w e a k . interesssting.

sooo…it happens all the time. my mom and aunts and other female family members ask me about how school is going and how the boys in my life are doing and when i’m coming home to visit.

then comes the question of “are you ready to pledge?”

ugh. i usually laugh it off and change the subject because i don’t care,

but today, when that question came up, i sat and actually thought it out.

i don’t need to pledge.

granted–i would love to be a part of a lifetime sisterhood, but i have a million actual siblings as it is. and even more friends. and these are the people who love me BEFORE they were forced to learn every detail of my life for an organization. these people “pledged” with me my entire life BY CHOICE. these are my BLS’s…[BLOODline sisters]. we share something deeper than a desire of membership.

plus…with the institution i go to, pledging is a completely different rite of passage from any other school…[so i've heard].

my major is already hard. i have bills to pay. i have friends to pay attention to.

and my personality just screams the TOTAL OPPOSITE of “please-make-me-feel-like-i-am-absolutely-worthless-for-weeks-just-to-claim-me-as-your-sister-after-i-cross”.

i am just confused at the moment, and right now–i am not mentally ready to give up my individualism. i like being loud and upfront. i like to party and have fun. i want to be able to talk to the boys i want to talk to. and eat where i want to. and wear what i want to for a little longer.

i want my freedom. i cherish it deeply. and although the idea of joining a prestigious organization sounds appealing…

i want to join when i am 100% ready and 100% sure why i am doing it.

until then…GOOSE-PHI-GOOSE it is :]

HU does wayyy too much with their processes anyways. smh.

the ROSTER.

while i’m on the subject—this is college, right? we are grown, right? we can be honest with one another without getting offended, right?

good.

because you are not the only boy i talk to. *gasp*

yea. yea. yea. i know. crazy.

but don’t act surprised. why are you upset like you aren’t doing the exact same thing? and that is perfectly fine because, to me, as long as HONESTY IS STILL THE BEST POLICY, things between us will work out just fine.

because i always have a roster. just know that. if you and i aren’t established as EXCLUSIVE, PLEASSSE BELIEVE that there will always be someone else i can call when you don’t answer the phone. when you’re too busy, there is always somebody else who wants to go out with me. when you’re mad at me, trust and believe the next guy might not be.

is it a bad thing that i like choices? is it bad that i am single and i like to play the field as much as possible when i am allowed to?

now, don’t get me wrong…i would LAY OFF the entire roster for a FAITHFUL, FULFILLING, MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP…but that offer is not on the table at this time. THEREFORE—i will continue to recruit until somebody proposes the contract that i am awaiting…

patiently.

because just because i have filled the starting line-up, the bench, and even the red shirts…doesn’t mean i feel the same about all of them. some i have never touched. some i rarely see. some i rarely speak to.

so that effort that i put out to call/text/IM/tweet/message/acknowledge you on a daily basis should be more appreciated because not everybody gets that type of treatment.

just know that.

and know that this personality is rare. I AM RARE. YOU ARE NOT.

there are a million of you.

there is one of me.

that is the realest ratio ever.

and you never know what you have until it’s gone.

i can’t draw straight lines.

i have come to realize that. i cannot follow guidelines. i have problems setting boundaries. but, at the same time, i have always had this internal struggle with gray areas. THIS, i am just learning about myself. when exactly did this shift occur, i have no idea. but i have noticed this ongoing aggravation with open relationships. i used to be the “go with the flow” type of girl, but now i’m more of the “where is the flow going” type of girl.

it’s all about the future, the results, and the end product.

my struggle right now: FRIEND, LOVER, OR NOTHING.

see…i have learned how to get used to the undefined, no rules, no restrictions type of relationships lately. but i’ve also gotten very well acquainted with the consequences of living life with no boundaries:

the unconsistency.

the miscommunication.

the jealousy.

and the confusion.

none of this is fun anymore. i am getting older. granted–i am still famous for my impulsiveness and spontaneous lifestyle, but sometimes i just want the security of saying what’s mine is mine.

just every once in a while.

so i am drawing this scribbly lines JUST for you to cross them…so now we’ve got all these stray lines, these gray shaded areas, but no nametags.

because this thing we do is so undefined that WE don’t even know what to call it.

p.s. am i getting a little antsy? i believe so. lol. i’m working on it.

the baptismal retreat…

stepping into this depth,

this lake of tears.

this body of water adding me to the body of God.

glancing into it.

takes me down streams of my lifetime.

i see my cup of emotions overflow

and my tears float on the surface.

my smile sinks deep.

almost invisible,

as shadows of its rays disintegrate,

fear kettles in my soul.

my heated tears

show my pleads to be worthy of his name.

yet my heart won’t allow me to bathe

in the fountain of his essence.

oh how i want to wash my shames

and intentions away with his name

and hide under his cloak,

but i am caged and unable to be emancipated.

my focus blurs and goes aloof

and i drown in my theories

being lost in this ocean and failing to survive.

i do know my choices of eternal fire

or streets of gold.

the water is so inviting.

yet i am unafraid, i’ve witnessed too much hell

on Earth to see.

my naive mind won’t let me fall

into the water.

with no justification whatsoever,

i desperately search for a cure for this massive insecurity,

but i know.

the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

im stuck at that crossroad,

the water or the fire,

ignorant and scared.

i blame others,

avoiding the truth.

i know this stream will exculpate me.

but i lift my foot out of this glorious portal

into God’s kingdom

and rebelliously,

i retreat.