my sister’s keeper.

well guys, it’s almost that time. you know…that time that i’ve been waiting on for months now.

surgery time.

and i can clearly remember laying in the bed just like i am right now, watching the digits change on my alarm clock, and thinking “how am i going to do this? how am i going to take care of this? how am i going to get rid of this?”

and i cannot explain to you how good it feels to finally have an answers to those questions.

to not have to worry.

to not have to hurt.

so on friday morning, i will bid farewell to the tumor that decided to intrude upon, and so rudely interfere with my happiness for the past five months. and it is sad that a hospital visit had to occur to unify my family…

but if that’s what it takes, i am willing to be the guinea pig. because i just finished watching one of my favorite movies, “my sister’s keeper”…and family is one of the most important connections a person can make with reality.

first off, if you haven’t had the pleasure of seeing the movie or reading the book [which i highly recommend you do BEFORE you see the film, seeing as it is so much more compelling, it is a must-see. this movie gave me a deep sense of appreciation for life, family, sisters, and even HAIR.

made me look around my room, look around my house, look around my job, look around my school, look around my life…and find something to appreciate every single time.

i’ve seen this movie at least five times now, but tonight something new hit me.

kate was sick. she had leukemia. she lost her hair. she lost her self-confidence. but she never lost her sense of self. the entire movie, she never questioned her personality, nor her purpose in life, no matter how blue she turned in the face or how swollen her bruises had gotten. i loved that in her.

because she lost alot, but she could’ve lost alot more. but today, when i watched it, i couldn’t even focus on what kate lost. tonight, i was tuned in to what kate’s mother lost.

i can’t have children. not physically, but emotionally, i cannot raise a child. ever. yes, i have THAT much doubt in my ability to be a good mother. i have a hard time trusting people. i don’t trust people’s hands or their hearts. i love hard and close. i am sure i would SMOTHER a child. i worry about alot of unnecessary things and i try to guard people from falling into traps that i have already fallen victim to in the past. my daughter would hate me.

that would hurt.

but what would hurt more is to lose her. to a biological disease. that is out of both of our control.

if i were to birth a child, her name would be the only name i cared to know. i would never put her down. i would never let anyone hurt her.

not even something that build itself up against for. we would fight leukemia together. i would do all it took.

but i cannot guarantee you that if she died, i would not jump into the grave next to her as they lower into the ground.

to lose your pride can be a problem. maybe your self-confidence or even your hair.

but for me to bury the soul that flourished inside of me for nine months, that i birthed and nursed, cared for, adored, cherished, and loved…

i am sure that i would never quite be the same afterwards.

that would be one funeral that you might want to miss.

just trust me on this one.

soundproof.

i am literally sitting right in front of you

screaming at the top of my lungs

and you don’t hear a thing.

all you see are my hands waving in the air.

all you see are my eyes watering.

all you care to acknowledge is the fact that

eventually

i will stop screaming.

eventually

i will forgive you.

eventually

i will forget this.

eventually

i will laugh it off.

but eventually, i will give up.

because one day this little room i have locked myself inside of

will be all i need to survive.

and i won’t be waiting on a text from you.

i won’t be waiting to be seen by you.

i won’t be waiting for you to care.

i won’t be waiting for you to call.

because i can feel my voice slowly slipping away with every scream.

you don’t understand me.

i show you my insides every day.

i tell you my feelings.

i pour myself out,

but you will never understand.

i know that sometimes

i explain it without words.

i might show it without actions.

and sometimes,

i admit,

i even scream on the inside

and expect you to hear it…

just because i do.

it’s all i hear in this empty space between these four walls.

i scream so loud,

and the octaves ricochet off of the corners

and bounce around

to the point where

i can’t distinguish screams from last week

and the ones i let out

just now.

occasionally,

on nights like tonight,

i have to turn my music up a notch…

so that people think that i’m singing

not screaming

at the top of my lungs.

and i’m looking around wondering why no one has come

to rescue me.

nobody has come to check in.

nobody cared enough to save me

from this 4×4 box of shrieks

that i live inside of.

so i’m standing in front of you

screaming.

pulling my hair out.

waving my arms.

wondering why you don’t hear me.

why you don’t see the fury i hold inside.

why you can’t hear these bouncing sounds.

and now i’m going crazy,

because nobody told me

that this little room

was soundproof.

4X4. 400. hey, who’s counting?

i’ve been a little hard lately. actually, i’ve always been a little hard. i’ve always been a little distant. always made it hard for people to close in on me. because, i admit, the feeling of too many people knowing too much about me at the same time, makes me feel like i’m in a small 4×4 room full of all these people that i let in.

everyone can't fit.

and i am SURE that i am claustrophobic. so i tell you what i want you to know. rarely do i let you into the areas of things you actually have to dig through, because rarely have i met people interested enough to dig.

and when i do, they dig things up, take them, and run away with them. my heart, for example.

so since that last theft, i haven’t left anyone back in. i’ve kicked everybody out of my little 4×4. and locked the door. built a peephole and a one-sided window so that i can closely observe everybody who hangs out around my stoop trying to peek in. and everybody who got tired of waiting and just walked away.

i realized that i can only lock people out for so long  until they disappear. so i let my girls back in. i invited my sisters back in. i opened the door for my mother, and even pulled my stepmother in with her. and now i can enjoy the laughter without the anxiety and pressure to impress the opposite sex. i have built a room full of estrogen so that i can learn how to feel again. i let the emotion and the feelings and the strength bounce back and forth from woman to woman, wall to wall, them to me, until it all sticks. because i can’t go my entire life pacing this room, locked inside of these four walls.

because people are starting to notice.

and a very close friend of mine…[we'll call her ms.intentional]…called me out on it recently.

she said: “how long u gonna keep those walls up? can’t expect [someone] 2 grow w/u if u got urself under lock & key waiting 4 [them] to fuck up………..you gotta learn 2 swallow ur pride sometimes boo. u won’t always have the wheel………i feel like u need to take the pants off & wear a dress sometimes… “

and it made me think. i can’t wear a dress right now. i can’t afford not to have the wheel, because i can’t afford to let go of every boundary that i have vowed to live by nowadays.

i am fine with being alone.

i don’t have to be doted on and held and called and committed to.

i kinda like being free.

i kinda like not having to always find the right words to tell him exactly how i feel.

i kinda like being able to be right. because i’m always right when i argue with myself.

i like bathing in my faults at night. and not having to present them to anyone else,

and beg them to accept me regardless.

i

like

it

being

all

about

me.

and as easy as it is to SHUN every man that comes across my path right now, doubt everything that every man says, call them out of their name, refuse to care for them until i am ready, and refuse to let them care for me…

i can’t ignore the most important man as he sits gazing into my window. my daddy. and it’s weird. he won’t knock to come in. but he will never leave. and surrounded and grouped in with every man that i have ever let disappoint me as well as every man that i won’t give the chance to disappoint me again, he stands out.

because he never left.

and with him, i can let go of the wheel…and be sure that he’ll grab it and steer me right.

and with him, i can wear a dress…and not be inferior, but be the most beautiful thing in his eyes.

so maybe with him, i can tear a wall down or two. or at least leave the door cracked. so in the midst of laughing at “period jokes” and comparing bra cups, i’ve slipped across the room and unlocked the door.

and every so often when i gaze over, he has let himself in.

and he stands in a corner to himself and doesn’t say a word. because he doesn’t have to be a part of the conversation. he doesn’t have to laugh at the jokes. he doesn’t even have to understand them.

he just wants to be inside. that is all he wants.

and maybe i could finally be fine with that now.

just HIM though…nobody else. because he’s earned it.

:]

four.zero.zero

by the way….this is my 400th post. WOW, right? thank you for hanging in there with me and supporting me like you do. don’t leave now. lol. keep coming through. keep encouraging me. and keep making me learn things about myself.

it won’t happen any other way. i love my blog audience :]

because i promised.

even though i won’t be indulging in any valentines’ day activities, i will be glad to assist. and i’ll try not to be salty. lol.

for krystal: i tried to branch out for you.

• quickie-miguel jontel.
• houstatlantavegas-drake.
• around the way girl-wayne.
• nothing even matters-lauryn hill.
• last night-az yet.
• speak french-jamie foxx.
• no.1 sex-r.kelly&keri hilson.
• my good thang-pretty willie.
• that’s the way love goes-janet.
• i’d rather be with you-bootsy collins.
• sobeautiful-musiqsoulchild.
• gravity-john mayer.
• point of it all-anthony hamilton.
• lover’s thing-ciara.
• take away-missy elliott.
• sweetest thing-lauryn hill.
• don’t let go-en vogue.
• make you feel beautiful-ruben studdard.
• perfectly blind-day26.
• pillowtalk-kid cudi.
• tonight-xscape.
• suffocate-j.holiday.
• slowly-tank.
• sweet lady-tyrese.
• chills-fatty koo.
• he loves me-jill scott.
• nothing in this world-avant&keke wyatt.
• if i had my way-chrisette michele.
• imagination-floetry.
• do you remember me-jill scott.
• softest place on earth-xscape.
• take it off-pharrell.
• be my vixen-miguel jontel.
• on&on-erykah badu.
• hyyer-kid cudi.
• bust it down-gucci.
• prototype-outkast.
• falsetto-the dream.
• baby-ashanti.
• must be love-cassie.
• tipsy-pretty ricky.
• the greatest sex-r.kelly.
• at your best-aaliyah.
• raindrops-jeremih.
• soon as i get home-faith evans.
• naked-mh.
• i can take your girl-wayne.
• it’s yours-j.holiday.
• red light special-tlc.

lol…yea. that should get you somewhere.

me and my bloody valentine.

it’s coming.

hmm. i’m thinking manic depression for the 14th. you?

it’s like less than 2weeks away, and i’m sad. valentine’s day is my favorite holiday. so judge me.

and it’s not because i get to buy things and spend time with the people i care about, because i do that on regular days. maybe it’s the fact that everybody deserves to be loved. but not only emotionally loved, because actions truly speak louder than words. so this is the ONE day [at LEAST] that everybody is guaranteed to feel like somebody cares enough to make them smile. after all, who could hate a holiday all about love…?

so every year, i stress myself out making sure that the people close to me know how much they mean in my life. not just my significant other…[although he might be the MOST taken care of], but also my significant bestfriends, and my significant family, and my significant people that make differences in my life. because it’s a day of adoration and caring…and nobody should feel like they don’t have that. so i run from store to store picking up DVD’s and shoes and clothes and scarves and CDs and jewelry and books and anything that makes people happy. and LOTS of candy, because chocolate is always a self-esteem booster. i get cute wrapping paper and meaningful cards…or i just write my own. i make them pretty. i place them perfectly…and i wait for them to be discovered. because i love when people do that for me.

and as i realize how hard i am cheesing as i am writing this and remembering Valentines’ Day 09…i’m already slowly slipping into my depression.

this year will be alot different from every other february 14th. not so concerned that i don’t have male company. that comes a dime a dozen. but i have angry, bitter friends who hate valentines’ day…and i feel like every year, it is my job to convince them otherwise. and this year, i won’t be able to do that. that makes me more sad than any stale box of chocolates that i won’t be waking up to. of course, i could always drop presents in the mail…but it’s all about the smiles. and the hugs. and the heartwarming. that i won’t get to be a part of.

):

and on top of that—-my valentine this year isn’t all too great. he’s been around for a while. we’ve grown pretty close in the past couple of months, and as usual, he’s caused me plenty of pain in such a short period of time. so in lieu of the day dedicated to celebrating the closeness and importance of people&things in my life…on my valentines day ‘10, i will be recovering and recuperating from the biggest goodbye in my life.

my tumor.

adieu.

adios.

sayonara.

on the afternoon of february 12th, i will go under the knife and form an eternal disconnect with something very close to my heart. how’s that for a heart’s day celebration? and i will spend valentines’ day 2010 fading in and out of consciousness, hallucinating, and enjoying endless hours of drug-induced sleep.

but i will come out of it twenty times bigger and better. and i will finally be able to live my life without the worries that i have waken up to for the past five months. i will be free.

and i know that valentines’ day is the celebration of relations,

but for the first year, i am celebrating a major break-up, and happily walking away from something that has been crippling me and taking all of my energy. i am leaving behind something that has done nothing but bring unhappiness and stress into my life. given me nothing but pain.

FINALLY i am able to break free of that. and maybe the timing is a little off, but sometimes you have to break rules.

so it will DEFINITELY be a happy valentines’ day for me. even if it’s a little different from the norm. sometimes you have to do things a little differently.

and if there’s something in your life that’s holding you down, don’t be fooled by flowers, candy, teddy bears, or one calendar day. because on february 15th, everything goes back to normal. and you go back to being burdened.

but you can be free, too.

***if you need any help, let me know. i have a weakness for making people smile.

…and i’m not leaving breadcrumbs, either.

i’m sure it’ll be awkward for us for a little while longer. i’m sure i will still have these sudden feelings of missing you combined with wanting to punch you in the face if i were to ever see you again on the street. but you just have to understand. i just spent the last two years FIGHTING, CHASING, and STRAINING to make something work that just fell apart in front of my eyes. i wasted valuable time trying to hold water in my hands…watching it slowly leak out until nothing was left. and i can’t go through that again.

so i can’t stand feeling like you never cared. this whole period of you hating me has only made me indifferent to the situation. if you want to leave, i can’t stop you. if you want to slander my name, i can’t change your mind. if you want to delete me from your life, i can’t convince you otherwise. but i will not chase you. even if you might eventually, later in life, turn out to be worth it.

i have wasted too much time as it is, and i am too far along this path to backtrack. so i can’t cry over you right now. i can’t feel sad that you’re gone. i can’t reminisce on the good times, because i don’t have time. all i can do is take it in stride and hope that maybe later on our paths will cross again. and we’ll both be in a better place in life. and we can start over.

because i am definitely not finished learning from you.

but right now, i can’t let it be okay. because that is where it went wrong last time. me chasing you, me needing you, me missing you, and you being superior. so call me selfish, but right now, it’s all about me.

me. me. me. me. me.

not you.

so if you want to leave…i will feel some type of way watching your back as you disappear in the distance.

but trust, when you walk out, i will close and lock my door behind you.

and continue on with my life.

you can come back and knock when you’re ready.

demotion.

just a simple text. that’s all i ask. i mean, we were friends, right? or maybe that was my mistake. maybe i just OVERread all the signs. maybe you didn’t really come to my house to see me. maybe i was just someone to laugh at until your boyfriend picked you up from my house. and i’ve been giving you the benefit of the doubt for months now, but it’s been a month…and my phone doesn’t even remember a text or a call. no tweet. no IM. no wallpost. no nothing.

and we were close. right? you were my sidekick. you were my better half. my voice of reason. i can remember every day that you kept me sane. but God makes no mistakes. maybe he meant for you to forget about me. or maybe i didn’t matter that much to begin with.

but it is bothering me, nevertheless. because i called you my FRIEND. in public. and if i can’t protect anything else, i will protect my reputation. but now i just feel

stupid.

i feel dumb for spending so much time with you. i feel dumb for worrying. i feel dumb for losing sleep. but most of all, i feel stupid for calling you a friend. not because you never were, because you were one of the greatest friends that i have ever had the pleasure of associating with.

i just cannot continue to call you a friend because it would be unfair to the people who honestly care enough about me to check in, hold conversations, send texts, and call, to put you and them in the same category.

so i have two choices.

i can continue to put together “what if’s” in my head to make up excuses why you could have possibly forgotten that you had a friend named ashley that you talked to everyday and spent countless hours with in her room doing absolutely nothing. i can keep coming up with reasons like, you got a new phone and begged everyone for my number, but no one gave it to you. i can keep thinking that someone is stopping you from talking to me…

but that would be naive of me. because we are in college. this is REAL LIFE. and in REAL LIFE, people make time to do the things that they want to do.

so i could continue to be concerned, or i can open my eyes and realize that everything happens for a reason.

and some things DON’T happen for a reason.

and i can’t afford to give away titles for free. so i’ll just drop you from friend, to “someone-i’m-sure-will-feel-a-certain-type-of-way-if-i-come-visit-and-don’t-visit-them”.

life is just too short to care for no reason.

head in the clouds.

tonight i can’t write.

everything i type comes out like third grade literacy checkpoint books.

sentences like

“I AM HURT.”,

“I FEEL SAD.”,

“I CAN’T THINK.”,

and “I MOVED ON.”.

nothing more thoughtful.

nothing more intellectual.

all i can come up with in my mind tonight is…

ashley, you know better.

sooo…we’re gonna try this again tomorrow.

i’m just a soul whose intentions are good.

it was never that serious. it wasn’t even worth acknowledging, but i yielded to this temptation for the sake of my name. i never seem to quite get a say in the things that i’ve “said”. never seem to get to explain. but it’s MY mouth, right? these are MY words, right?

but what if they weren’t?

it KILLS me when people care enough to choose a side, but don’t care enough to let my defend mine.

i can definitely say that i thought about it all night. i don’t understand when i delegated people to form full sentences and thoughts FOR me. and i don’t understand why you took it upon yourself to believe them.

i can’t say that it didn’t bother me for two seconds out of my life, but i can never say that i was ever a stranger to being misunderstood. and it sucks. i hate that only few people will be around long enough to understand that drama is actually NOT my thing. nobody will ever understand that i don’t write to put anyone on blast. i don’t blog to let the world know that you’re not the person i once thought you were.

i write for my OWN understanding.

and writers don’t like to be misunderstood.

…because my head is full of foolishness.

sometimes when i get to thinking too much…like right now, i go straight to my i-tunes. because sometimes i don’t want to talk. i just want to listen…

to someone/thing that knows me better than i know myself. and THIS is what it gives me:

• pretty baby-vanessa carlton.] sweet.
• butterfly-corinne bailey rae.] reminds me of my grandmother.
• i’ll be-edwin mccain.] makes me cry.
• young forever-jayz.] makes me think.
• everyday-dave matthews band.] wakes me up every morning.
• goodbye-jagged edge.] REAL.
• home-daughtry.] i miss my mommy.
• if tonight is my last-laura izibor.] REALLL.
• slide-googoodolls.
• joy-ledisi.
• dontchange-musiq soulchild.
• valerie (acoustic)-amy winehouse.
• please don’t leave me-pink.
• city-sara barielles.
• perfect-alanis morisette.] TOO real.
• tell me when-floetry.
• shadow-ashlee simpson.] deep.
• almost-tamia.
• i will get there-boyz II men.

yea…i’ll stop on that on because i just need a little reminder that i don’t make goals for nothing. nights like this do happen so that i know what HAS to happen tomorrow.

i have to LIVE. bigger. badder. and better. my future comes as soon as tomorrow.