•26 February 2011 • Leave a Comment

i have always told people that i’m ‘not the goodbye type’. i’ll simply walk away with a smile before i go through the process of realizing that goodbye is an ending. that has been my problem all of these years. i can’t count on all of my fingers, toes, and strands of hair how many open books i have walked away from without closure. that explains all the open emotional wounds i will always have. but this month, i feel like i learned how to say goodbye. this week especially.
i’ve learned a helluva lot. learned how to accept that some things you will never be able to say goodbye to. some things will always be in your life because they are a part of you.
like this blog.

as i go back and read some of these 700 or so posts, i smile, i laugh, i cry, i shake my head…but i never imagined that one day i would say goodbye. this blog made me sit down and look at my life from the outside in and change it. but as i reread these posts, i can honestly say that i am not the same person anymore. the author of this blog and i are NOT the same person anymore. i can’t really decided if that is good or bad, but it’s obvious. it’s progress.

so, i’m STILL not saying goodbye. this blog has seen me through my toughest and loneliest moments and nights. but i am moving on for a while. i will be posting occasionally when the spirit moves me to. don’t fret.

but if you’re looking for me nowadays…i’d advise you to look here—–>

all my love,
ashley goose.


not myself.

•9 February 2011 • Leave a Comment

head clouded and aching,
i don’t usually regret, because
i’m not used to being wrong
but it’s no secret that
the person i used to be
not anymore.
i used to be great.
i used to be aware.
now i cannot configure where
i stopped to close my eyes
and open my heart
when i’ve always known better.

i used to be so driven
but somewhere along this
highway to the high life,
i got distracted by the flowers,
and the blue sky,
and i let that let me
pull over and

waste time.
rolling around in green pastures
that aren’t even mine,
while everybody else just passed me by.
sitting on the side of the road
next to fields of dead flowers,
with my thumb out.

holding a sign that says:
‘trust me, the grass wasn’t greener. i tried it.’
but nobody is paying attention.
sitting there remembering who i used to be

back when i was good ol’
smiley, giggly, no bullshit me.
before i let emotions leak out like
spilled milk.
pretty much the story of my life.

i used to never cry.
used to know exactly who i was.
before i was lost
letting everybody leave me behind.

so i’m
getting back in my car now.
and turning the key.
might be swerving a little
with all these tears,
i can’t see.
but i’m drying them now
and i’m trying somehow
to forget

the last year i have spent
playing in somebody else’s flowers.
who did i think i was?
clearly, not myself.

i have to agree.

•4 February 2011 • Leave a Comment

one night he said:

“…there’s no reason you should ever be mad
when you can be this happy.”




•4 February 2011 • Leave a Comment

i memorize his mannerisms and play them back in my head at night,
imagining what his skin tastes like.
what his lips feel like
on mine.
drifting off on the thought of what it might be like to
just lay there
and explore
every inch of him and more.
every piece of him. every part ..
just to stare into each others’ eyes and forget
that there was once a time when that was wrong…
but…i bet it still feels right.
wish i could recall every argument
wish i could forgive every mistake
wish i could take every fight..
and bottle it up
and turn it into love..
just to push
and tug
and kiss
and hug
and suck.

and bite.

damn, if only i could be with him tonight..

my sick little monster.

•4 February 2011 • Leave a Comment

nothing ever prepared me for how hectic and depressing my life becomes when my child gets sick. for the past week, aryn and i have been running back and forth from doctor to doctor getting opinions, tests, prescriptions, more opinions, more tests, more prescriptions, more headaches, and less sleep. my sick little monster, just like her sick little mommy, is highly allergic to a few things. i say ‘a few things’ meaning that even a week after our initial inquiry at the doctor’s office…we still have yet to find out what is causing the brutal outbreak of HIVES on my baby’s face.

now…i’m not superficial, but i have wanted to cry for the past five days every time i look at her red face. knowing that i can’t help at all, being helpless, has killed me every night. i can honestly recall a few nights that she and i have sat in my room and cried together. don’t judge me. i’m a first-time mommy. i have felt like i can literally feel her pain just as much as she can. so i’ve been by her side nonstop making sure that she feels better. i watch her sleep. i make sure she’s breathing. i’m sure i’ve missed plenty of meals, appointments, phonecalls, showers, etc. due to being afraid to glance away from her. i guess no one told me that’s what being a mom is all about: feeling like nothing else in the world matters but her.

and i love it.

the downfall.

•4 February 2011 • Leave a Comment

i have a problem. don’t judge me.

i love when everything is l o v e l y, but

when i get this feeling suddenly

like you’re not thinking of me…

things tend to get u g l y .

you and i spend more time

than the average joe on the phone

cracking jokes…smiling and giggling

expressing our f e e l i n g s a good

three or four times a day. so,

when you DON’T call..

i let my mind run a s t r a y .

because it’s not that you don’t have anything to say.

you’re not busy.

you’re not barack obama.

you’re not the dalai lama.

you’re not superman.

which leads me to believe that

you’re somewhere holding hands.


laughing and giggling with that other girl.

and n o t h i n g in the world can tell my brain

to stop thinking this way.

stop going insane.

stop being insecure.

because now things have c h a n g e d , right?

but i don’t take into account that you’re on the phone with me

every night.

running through your schedule for the next couple of days.

your classes.

work hours and

any possible d e l a y s

i always know about.

but still,

the moment i’m without a secondly


i automatically assume

that you’re out

and i’m getting played.

a g a i n .

no matter how many times you tell me

that you two are allowed to be f r i e n d s ,

i can’t deal.

and these are the emotions i’m always going to feel



•4 February 2011 • Leave a Comment
&this is what i meant.